Do You Need To Ignore Your Lover?

I believe a positive mental attitude is key in achieving success, however you define success.  But getting and maintaining a positive mental attitude in the face of doom merchants and naysayers can be hard, even downright difficult.  One of the commonest blocks to success has got to be the negative attitudes and projections of the very people you would expect to be your strongest supporters.

Your spouse, your parents and your best friend.

Don't ListenThink about it. If you are trying to make a change in your life, improve yourself in some way, change career, start an online business, lose weight, stop smoking, write a book, or anything at all, there will be a time when you need to change the way you think and move outside your comfort zone. This can be scary and is the time when you are most vulnerable. It is the time when you need the support of your nearest and dearest.

And it is exactly this time when your loved ones can pour doubt and derision into your brain instead, sabotaging your positive mental attitude and with it, any chance of your success.  Why would they do this?

Simple. Your success affects them in a negative way.

Every relationship can be thought of as a see-saw in equilibrium. Both sides are balanced. It doesn’t matter how unequal the relationship is. It is what it is. And for as long as the people in it keep doing whatever they usually do, it can be thought of as “in balance”.

But when you decide to change yourself and do something different, this alters the equilibrium of every close relationship you are in. The see-saw becomes unbalanced.

This feels odd, uncomfortable and scary for the people in the relationship. To regain the relationship balance, or to get the see-saw back into equilibrium, the OTHER person must ALSO change, and they may just not want to. After all, THEY didn’t want to change in the first place. So they do the next best thing.

They try to stop you from changing. Instead they force you back into the box you are trying to get out of. They sabotage your chances of success by filling your mind with doubt.

Unless you are very strong, you listen to your loved ones. You listen as they tell you how worried they are that you will fail. You listen as they explain it isn’t for you and isn’t it just better to stay where you are? You start to believe them. You bury your dreams and go back to living the way you were.

OR you realise they’re scared for you, for themselves and what the new you will mean to your relationship and home life.  If it will help, talk excitedly about your project to drum up their enthusiasm if you can.  Show them your resume if you’re changing jobs.  Explain how much time will be involved if you’re following a course.  Reassure them you will still have time for them.  Do everything you can to explain how you’ve minimised your risk of failure.

But accept that sometimes it’s just too hard for your loved ones to accept the changes in you.  That’s why friends and family members “grow apart”.

If it’s your spouse who is the doom merchant and naysayer, you need to tread more carefully.  If you KNOW that what you are doing will improve the lives of you both, then do NOT seek their approval.  If it’s a big thing, like moving house to get a job, or stopping smoking when both of you smoke, then fight your corner but be prepared to compromise on things like timing. However, if you’re trying to make a success of a personal goal, like losing 30 lbs weight or learning to write poetry, find a support group and just go for it.

Sometimes your nearest and dearest just do NOT have your best intentions at heart, however much they think they do. Sabotaging your positive mental attitude by sowing doubt is one way to keep you from ultimately forcing change on them.

And vice versa.

So remember that next time YOUR loved one asks YOU to support a life change!


Why Are You Still Making Excuses?

Is there something you really want to do?  Anything at all?  It can be something big, like moving to another part of the country.  Or something smaller, like taking an hour of time several times a week to go to the gym.  What’s stopping you?

If there’s something you’ve wanted to do for a while, AND been saying you want to do, why aren’t you doing it?

Do you find that every time you say “I’d like to do…”, you IMMEDIATELY follow it with a whole host of well rehearsed excuses?  Are you creating a pattern of low achievement for yourself?

Did you just think “Yes, but MY excuses are valid REASONS”? 

Really?

If there’s something you say you want to do, but continually have a reason why you don’t do it; there are only two possible reasons why:

1.    You really DON’T want to do what you say you do – you just SAY you want to do it out of habit or (worse) because you think you “should” want to do it.

2.    You really DO want to do what you say you do – but, it is risky, forces you to step outside your comfort zone, and/or you are worried it might upset someone you care about.

If your true answer is #1, then stop saying that it is something you want to do.  Let it go.  Feel the freedom.

If your true answer is #2, admit you are using an excuse that allows you to hang onto your desire and provide a logical reason why you can’t do it – keeping you “safe”.

What do your excuses sound like?  Do any of these sound familiar?

·         I’m too dumb/too smart;

·         No one will like/love me

·         I’m not good enough

·         It’s too far from home

·         I don’t have enough money for that

·         No time

·         No one can have it all

We use excuses because they serve us well.  After all, it is easier to go with the flow, maintain the status quo, and turn down the volume on the things we truly desire, especially when they might set us apart from the majority of people we come into contact with. 

Or rather, it seems easier. 

But at what cost?  Lack of fulfilment?  No spark in our lives?  Depression?  Disease?

If you’re not fulfilling your life dream, it’s time to change.

Make a list of all the “bad” things you fear might happen if you were to take the risk to get what you want. – Be completely honest (for example: if I move across the country, my family will no longer love me or come to see me)

Rate each of these “bad” things (1-5) in terms of how likely it really is to happen – 1= not likely and 5 = absolutely certain. 

Unless you’re very unusual, you’ll find that it is pretty unlikely that something horrible is going to happen if you actually do what you want to do.  And, even if it did, you’d find a way to handle it, trust me.  So, stop making excuses. 

Make a list of things you really want to do.  Create a plan to make it happen.  Do it today, not “someday” but today.

Don’t sell yourself short.  Do it now.