Do You Need To Ignore Your Lover?

I believe a positive mental attitude is key in achieving success, however you define success.  But getting and maintaining a positive mental attitude in the face of doom merchants and naysayers can be hard, even downright difficult.  One of the commonest blocks to success has got to be the negative attitudes and projections of the very people you would expect to be your strongest supporters.

Your spouse, your parents and your best friend.

Don't ListenThink about it. If you are trying to make a change in your life, improve yourself in some way, change career, start an online business, lose weight, stop smoking, write a book, or anything at all, there will be a time when you need to change the way you think and move outside your comfort zone. This can be scary and is the time when you are most vulnerable. It is the time when you need the support of your nearest and dearest.

And it is exactly this time when your loved ones can pour doubt and derision into your brain instead, sabotaging your positive mental attitude and with it, any chance of your success.  Why would they do this?

Simple. Your success affects them in a negative way.

Every relationship can be thought of as a see-saw in equilibrium. Both sides are balanced. It doesn’t matter how unequal the relationship is. It is what it is. And for as long as the people in it keep doing whatever they usually do, it can be thought of as “in balance”.

But when you decide to change yourself and do something different, this alters the equilibrium of every close relationship you are in. The see-saw becomes unbalanced.

This feels odd, uncomfortable and scary for the people in the relationship. To regain the relationship balance, or to get the see-saw back into equilibrium, the OTHER person must ALSO change, and they may just not want to. After all, THEY didn’t want to change in the first place. So they do the next best thing.

They try to stop you from changing. Instead they force you back into the box you are trying to get out of. They sabotage your chances of success by filling your mind with doubt.

Unless you are very strong, you listen to your loved ones. You listen as they tell you how worried they are that you will fail. You listen as they explain it isn’t for you and isn’t it just better to stay where you are? You start to believe them. You bury your dreams and go back to living the way you were.

OR you realise they’re scared for you, for themselves and what the new you will mean to your relationship and home life.  If it will help, talk excitedly about your project to drum up their enthusiasm if you can.  Show them your resume if you’re changing jobs.  Explain how much time will be involved if you’re following a course.  Reassure them you will still have time for them.  Do everything you can to explain how you’ve minimised your risk of failure.

But accept that sometimes it’s just too hard for your loved ones to accept the changes in you.  That’s why friends and family members “grow apart”.

If it’s your spouse who is the doom merchant and naysayer, you need to tread more carefully.  If you KNOW that what you are doing will improve the lives of you both, then do NOT seek their approval.  If it’s a big thing, like moving house to get a job, or stopping smoking when both of you smoke, then fight your corner but be prepared to compromise on things like timing. However, if you’re trying to make a success of a personal goal, like losing 30 lbs weight or learning to write poetry, find a support group and just go for it.

Sometimes your nearest and dearest just do NOT have your best intentions at heart, however much they think they do. Sabotaging your positive mental attitude by sowing doubt is one way to keep you from ultimately forcing change on them.

And vice versa.

So remember that next time YOUR loved one asks YOU to support a life change!


Keep Schtum If You Want To Succeed

I want to share a personal thought with you.  I’m not going to discuss exactly why I’m sharing this with my online family.  Read into it what you will.

First, let me give you an image. 

Every relationship you have is like a see-saw.  It has its ups and downs.  However, if it is to survive longterm, you need to get it into equilibrium, level, steady, where both parties know what their role is and are happy with the give and take ratio. 

However, when it is in equilibrium and you change, for example by changing your dreams and doing something different such as starting an online business, you upset the equilibrium of the see-saw. 

This is uncomfortable for the other person in the relationship.  They were happy with the status quo and did not want to change.  But in order to regain the equilibrium of the see-saw, they need to change too.  Or, they need to push you back to where you were before;  they resist the change and try stop you from achieving your dreams.  Resisting your change is easier for them because they don’t have to change themselves.  But it does put you firmly back into the box you’d just escaped out of. And that’s stressful.

Obviously pursuing your dreams is easier if your loved ones are supportive.  But if they’re not, don’t let that stop you.

If your loved ones pour ridicule, negativity and disapproval onto your dreams of an online business, don’t listen.  You do not need their approval to succeed.  And if you need help, do not ask them.  Find a forum and ask online.  There are thousands of good guys out there who just love to help. 

If this is painful, just think of it as another short term sacrifice, like giving up watching your favourite soap whist you grow your online business.

They’re your friends; family and loved ones and you love them.  You want them to feel your hope, your excitement and share your dreams.  Of course you do.  But if they don’t, I suggest from my own experience keep your dreams to yourself.  It’s much less stressful and easier to stay motivated when negative comments aren’t constantly being poured into your head. 

The time to share your dreams is when you’ve build your business.  Even a doubting Thomas will be impressed when your online business is paying off significant household bills. 

Keep your dreams.  Reduce your stress.  Keep schtum.