Grab Some Quick Stress Relief

Laughter is a great stress reliever.  I’ve said it before and posted about it here on several occasions.  It’s enjoyable, available to everyone and it works! 

My sister emailed me this today (thanks Chris!), and I liked it so much I thought I’d share it with you.  It’s dedicated to everyone who ever attempted to get into a regual workot routine. 



A Woman’s Week At The Gym

Dear Diary,

For my birthday this year, my husband purchased a week of personal training at the local health club for me.  Although I am still in great shape since being a high school football cheerleader 43 years ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try.

I called the club and made my reservations with a personal trainer named Christo, who identified himself as a 26-year-old aerobics instructor and model for athletic clothing and swim wear.

Friends seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.

Started my day at 6:00 am. Tough to get out of bed, but found it was well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Christo waiting for me. He is something of a Greek god– with blond hair, dancing eyes, and a dazzling white smile.  Woo Hoo!!

Christo gave me a tour and showed me the machines.. I enjoyed watching the skillful way in which he conducted his aerobics class after my workout today. Very inspiring!

Christo was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time he was around. 

This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!!

I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door. Christo made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air then he put weights on it!  My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the full mile.  His rewarding smile made it all worthwhile. I feel GREAT!  It’s a whole new life for me.


The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it.  I believe I have a hernia in both pectorals.  Driving was OK as long as I didn’t try to steer or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot.

Christo was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered other club members. His voice is a little too perky for that early in the morning and when he scolds, he gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying.

My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Christo put me on the stair monster.  Why the hell would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators?  Christo told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life.  He said some other s**t too.

A**hole was waiting for me with his vampire-like teeth exposed as his thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl.  I couldn’t help being a half an hour late– it took me that long to tie my shoes.

He took me to work out with dumbbells. When he was not looking, I ran and hid in the restroom.  He sent some skinny bitch to find me.

Then, as punishment, he put me on the rowing machine– which I sank.

I hate that b*stard Christo more than any human being has ever hated any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny, anemic, anorexic, little aerobics instructor.  If there was a part of my body I could move without unbearable pain, I would beat him with it.

Christo wanted me to work on my triceps.  I don’t have any triceps! And if you don’t want dents in the floor, don’t hand me the damn barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich.

The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher.  Why couldn’t it have been someone softer, like the drama coach or the choir director?

Satan left a message on my answering machine in his grating, shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today.  Just hearing his voice made me want to smash the machine with my planner; however, I lacked the strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight hours of the Weather Channel..

I’m having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go and thank GOD that this week is over.  I will also pray that next year my husband will choose a gift for me that is fun– like a root canal or a hysterectomy.  I still say if God had wanted me to bend over, he would have sprinkled the floor with diamonds!!! 


Did you enjoy it?  Please leave your comments below.

Author: SOT


7 thoughts on “Grab Some Quick Stress Relief”

  1. Excellent Susan, very funny, and I have never seen this before. I do a bit of ‘personal training’ which made it even more enjoyable.

    Laughter is definitely the best medicine for stress, and you get the best laughs with old friends. I have a regular Friday get-together with old mates, some of whom go back to schooldays, and we always have a great laugh.

    It’s my favourite day of the week. 🙂


  2. Absolutely agree with your comment about laughter. I want to introduce more levity into my new blog, but I want it balance with building trust and credibility with my readers.

    Maybe they won’t find funny, the same things I do? Hope I’ll find the balance – soon! It’s making me stressed.

    Of course, I’d always settle for a rub down with a couple of Geisha girls!

    If you visit me, check out the “Chaos” post, and see if you can find Gerald.

    As for your Week’s Diary, if you’ll excuse – BL**DY BRILLIANT! Your sister is obviously deranged, and potentially a dangerous psychopath; I like that in a girl. Really wish I’d created it. Must’ve taken ages – but well worth it.
    Please miss, “May I link my readers back to you? If we can make someone smile, we’ve improved their life, just a little bit. I’m here all alone in the middle of the night, and it improved mine.

    Just a footnote. I wanted the book, but I got an .exe file. I only use Macs, and if there’s one thing they don’t like it’s .exe files. Would’ve loved a .pdf

    Sorry, but, I’ll be back.


    1. Hi Alan –

      I never try to be funny – I just write as I see it. If folks find it funny, great! But don’t worry about folks not finding stuff funny – the internet is a big place and there are lots of us with quirky SOH who will!


  3. Hi Sue (May I call you Susan?)

    Thank you for the .pdf, I’ll sleep with under my pillow, and nurture an care for it lovingly.

    Nice that someone cares about us Mac users.

    Lock the doors, I will return.


  4. Hi Susan, A most excellent tale, and laugh I did! Your sister has a great sense of humor and so do you for sharing it. I’d love to see the expression on Christo’s, cum a**hole’s, cum b*stard’s, cum satan’s face if he were to read your sister’s account. LOL! smiles, Steve D.

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